I am New

Life in recovery is not at all what I thought it would be.

I remember my first glimpse of another person's life and another and another as I began to see the similarities among those living on life's terms. I immediately wanted what they had. You see, among them was perhaps the first place I felt that I was among my people. We are people who had seen and done things that most others could not, would not. We are people who had chased a sneer thinking it a smile, ransomed dear life and true love for a fleeting end to the torment of worry and self-hatred. I believed what they said when they said they learned to live without drink or drug, even, without lies or artifice. They came to depend on God, to rely on His divine inspiration, and to start, from the charred ground up, building a life on His promises. They described gifts of recovery: meaningful work, a home, a partner, a future on which to look forward, a past to never again regret.

The images of life in recovery that were shared with me in and out of meetings were enough to keep me motivated while working the steps because for the first time in a very long time I had hope. I can tell you something now with 16 years between today and my last drink or drug that I could not know then: There is so much more pain and joy in life than I ever thought possible. And I can only barely see, feel, taste it sober in God's awesome care. 

Before recovery I made a career out of not really seeing, feeling, tasting life. I used to run from the pain of abuse, from the heartache of guilt, and from the shame of foul living. Today with God's help I find myself running into the emotional equivalent of burning houses, not to save, but to help someone find a way out and sometimes to cry while we watch so much of what they hold dear go up in flames. Today, only by God's grace and through His power I am not afraid to face fear, disappointment, injustice, and death. The dreadful features of this life do not separate me from God's love, indeed, nothing can. 

And the joy! 

The joy I've experienced in recovery has been worth the price of admission, at least the price I paid to find that without God I am a real alcoholic and a degenerate addict. Jesus paid the ultimate price for me to be able to live now with the assurance of eternal life with Him. Praise God, I have the joy of being married to my husband and being mother to our daughter. There is no fit like the one God puts and keeps together. The relationships in our little family are sometimes strained by remnants of my alcoholic thinking and weird perspective, yet we are blessed immeasurably by God's care, grace and forgiveness. 

The actual inspiration for this entry is the joy and gratitude I experience in watching my teenage daughter in her first loving relationship. I can see the effect that having a family member in recovery has made on my daughter and her boyfriend. They are doing very nearly everything differently than I did in my earliest relationships. Their communication is more direct. There's nothing sneaky or insidious about their loving touches. They share their thoughts and plans with their parents and listen to our input. They obey! There is a real chance for them to learn how to be in a relationship in a godly way, how to develop shared values, and how to gain skills needed for the long haul. 

Because of God's grace through recovery, I am made new, I can withstand new pain and celebrate new joy.

Thank you for following my rambling. May you feel God's presence always.
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Romans 8:31-39 New Living Translation (NLT)

Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Of what value is happiness?

This morning I woke in a good mood when I realized my dreams weren't real. I had not relapsed. I was not in someone else's bed. I was not caught in the seemingly endless loop of chasing an elusive and fleeting happiness built on momentary thrills.

I woke up in my own bed next to my own husband near our own daughter. I woke up and I woke up sober. Praise God.

So I woke up in a good mood. Six hours later I'm still riding that high. I'm still stuck on that heady feeling of gratitude that accompanies the consciousness that my life is a gift from God not a function of my best ideas realized. (My best ideas realized are deadly.)

My good mood has persisted although for most of the last six hours I've been trying to infect my husband, my daughter, and my mother with it and failed, mostly. My daughter seems quite happy just to be; finding, as I am, something about which to smile in the strangest off-handed moments. My mother, on the other hand, had been getting steadily agitated by forces I cannot see. And my husband is displaying evidence of a slow burn that comes from a fire I didn't set and can't apparently douse.

(I was able to put a smile on the face of a woman bagging her groceries when I stopped her long enough to mention that I really like the color of her dress and the way she was wearing it. And a man sincerely thanked me when I saved him the trouble of waiting in a line that was closing momentarily. There was the grandmother who smiled when I greeted her in my best, albeit poorly accented Spanish and her grandson who seemed to laugh just when I caught his eye and made a face.)

So of what value is my own happiness if I can't force it on those I love the most? I suppose happiness like so many other things of the greatest value can't be forced on anyone. I can't force recovery, sobriety, gratitude, peace of mind, kindness or the free gift of salvation on anyone as hard as I might  try. I can share those precious intangibles with others though: with family, friends, and people I meet in the neighborhood grocery store. By the grace of God I can feed and water my own happiness with gratitude, conscious contact with my Creator, and living in the moment.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you.

There is a solution

I remember the last time I felt hopeless. It wasn't very long ago, I'm sorry to admit. If I go further back I can remember feeling depressed, desolate, and full of self pity. I've been suicidal more times than I can count and if you ask me to explain why I'm still here, I couldn't give you a rational explanation.

Nothing about my life makes good, logical sense.

Why am I sitting here tired, but sober and the man across the aisle from me is clearly troubled by issues chemical, emotional and/or physical?

How could a person like me go from being a hopeless dope fiend to being a dopeless hope fiend?

Who decided that I get to have a job I love, a 20+ year career being of service to others, a comfortable home, a husband who loves and cares for me, and a daughter who brings me indescribable joy?

Where did I get faith?

There's only One Way to explain any of this: There is a solution and the solution is surrender.

When I was finally, truly sick and tired of being sick and tired... When I reached the end of my rope at last... When I used up every good idea and did everything I could think of to do to fix the mess my life had become... When at once I realized that I couldn't, I didn't and I stopped trying. I reached absolute surrender and found that there was a solution in the 12 steps, in the fellowship I found in the rooms of recovery.

I'd like to invite you to such a room. A room where you will find a small group of friendly faces, non-judgmental attitudes, listening ears, and a program that works. Please join us on Fridays from 6:00 to 7:00 PM for a Women's 12 Step Study at 710 S Glenoaks Blvd, Burbank, CA 91502. Questions? Call 818-824-2019 or email outreach@burbanksda.com.

I look forward to seeing you there.

Praying and Planning: We Need You

Since my last post so many things have changed.

Overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caring for my father and all my other roles, I made a very difficult decision -- I suspended Celebrate Recovery meetings at Burbank SDA Church. After consulting with Pastor Jan, I notified our regular attenders and put a temporary sign on the door. I hated to do it, but it was a decision I felt compelled to make. My father was getting sicker. Indeed, we were told that he was dying and my responsibilities with regard to his care were growing as his condition worsened. All the while, my heart was breaking.

My father died in April.

For months I struggled poorly with my grief often feeling that I was losing the battle. I was afraid that perhaps I would also lose my sobriety, my job and my sanity. God never left me. He comforted my heart and mind in such a personal way that only He can. When exactly one month following his death I cried out for some sort of help from my doctor (the best doctor in America, by the way) she responded in a way that I would never expected.

She looked at me with such compassion in her eyes that I could tell that she had truly heard me and cared about my welfare. She told me a little about her own struggles and then she said that since a month had past it was time to begin to get over losing my father. I was shocked at first, but I kept listening as she kept talking. She told me that she refused to see me overwhelmed by this tragedy and that I had too much to lose to let myself be plowed under by the weight of my grief. She directed me to get myself together and she reminded me that the mind is a powerful force and that I could harness it to my benefit if I chose to do so. She clutched my shoulders when she looked me square in the eye and told me she was sure I could do it -- I could begin to make myself better.

Just remembering how I felt at that moment reminds me of how faithful and kind our Heavenly Father is. He used my doctor to say the words I needed to hear just when I needed to hear them. From that moment, I began to get myself together as the doctor ordered through nearly constant prayer and through rebuilding hope in my life rather than brick by brick, pebble by pebble.

To God's glory I haven't taken a drink or drug since my father's death. I haven't lost my mind or my job. And while I'm busy working and going to school to (finally) finish my bachelor degree online at Chico State as my father requested and redoubling my efforts to be the best wife and mother I can, I am working with Pastor Jan to pray and plan for restarting Celebrate Recovery.

We need you.

Celebrate Recovery is a God-inspired 12 step program for anyone with a hurt, habit or hang up. Based on Christ's own ideas for how to live one day at a time, it requires the service of a team to build and maintain it properly. Pastor Jan and I are asking you to pray with us as we prepare for our planning session.

Please join us on Friday, October 5, at 6:30PM for dinner and a CR planning meeting which will begin at 7PM. At that time we will introduce you to the opportunities to serve people who are hurting and looking for answers. By employing the original plan for CR, we will offer service opportunities based on your available time and talent which require no more than one to three hours per week (and perhaps even less).

Feel free to email or call me for more information. I look forward to seeing you there.

peace&love,
LaViva
outreach@burbanksda.com
818-824-2019

Experience, Strength, and Hope

In case you haven't been coming to our Friday night meetings, I'll report the latest -- we are working the steps together! We are just finishing up Step One, so if you'd like to join us -- as always -- you are more than welcome. We love newcomers.

While talking to God about our group, I was inspired that we would be able to experience deeper recovery and more spiritual growth by working the steps. It's been a challenge with Jan away temporarily; however, Jesus shows up at every meeting. I expect miracles to happen every Friday and I haven't once been disappointed.

As you may know, we alternate between a teaching and a testimony every Friday night. Last week we had a teaching, so this week we are due for a testimony. I'm writing about this because this Friday night, I will be sharing my experience, strength, and hope in my testimony and after 14 years of sobriety, I'm nervous.

I'm praying that God will tell me what to say that will be meaningful and reflect His saving grace and amazing love. Because the Holy Spirit is making my heart ready, I'm willing to disclose whatever He wants. I'm an open book. Let's be clear: there are some tales I'd prefer not to tell, but with God's help I'll tell those if He wants.

We have a saying in CR: God never wastes a hurt. If my pain and the pain I've caused others through my carelessness and selfishness can help someone see that there is hope, there is a solution, God is real and He loves people like us; well, then it's worth the telling.

Thank you for letting me share.

I am one of the lucky ones.

We humans seem to be in love with the idea of luck. If something good happens, we are lucky. If something bad, we are unlucky. We carry good luck pieces and shy away from walking under ladders and breaking mirrors.

Truth be told, I don't believe in luck. But, if I did, I could say that I am one of the lucky ones. "How so?" you ask. Well, let me tell you.

Because I was a slave to my "addictive personality" and plagued by various and sundry emotional ailments, I found alcohol and drugs, and made a career out of being under the influence.

Because I was a practicing alcoholic and addict, God mercifully brought me to the rooms of recovery.

Because God brought me to the rooms of recovery, I stayed.

Because I stayed, I worked the 12 steps.

Because I worked the 12 steps, I learned how to live.

You see now, don't you? Without the steps and working my recovery program, I wouldn't know how to live. My life still wouldn't work and I would still be broken.

Because of God's love and Jesus' bloody death, I get to have a life way beyond my wildest drunken dreams.

These thoughts occured to me yesterday when I was listening to a couple of professional therapists who happen to be Christians talking to other Christians about the philosophies they had uncovered in scripture. The were discussing how to revive relationships through apologizing and offering to make restitution. The host of the radio show, a Christian, was so impressed by the approach suggested -- he admitted he had never been instructed about how to apologize and how to make wrongs right in relationships God's way.

I recognized the approach right away as the eighth and ninth steps of Celebrate Recovery:

Step 8: I made a list of all persons I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31 NIV)

Step 9: I made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matt 5:23-24 NIV)

Thank You, God, for the blessings of Your mercy and Your word. Thank You for changing the course of my life from grave-bound to eternal life, starting now.

It's not me

This morning I did my gratitude list a little differently.

I used to close bars, now I close the church after our Friday night meetings.
I used to go wherever the party was, now I am willing to go wherever I can be of service.
I used to find excuses to miss work, now I find ways to show up even when I'm sick.
I used to hide from my responsibilities, today I face them with God's help.
I used to pretend I was better than I really am, now I freely admit that all glory and honor belong to God.

I'm grateful that God's work in me has been paying off beyond my wildest drunken fantasies. Thank You, Jesus.