Dish It Out

At the end of a pity party that had gone on for a few days, I realized that I could take it, but I was having trouble dishing it out. Once I realized that -- everything changed.

Yes, not the other way around: I had been taking it pretty well without dishing it out for the duration of my pity party. What is it? It is understanding, patience, compassion, kindness. Did I already say understanding? While I indulged my tendency to focus on how the world is treating me and the unfairness of it all, I was also depending on the understanding, patience, compassion and kindness of those around me.

Once I realized that I had been ungrateful for the love that had been shown to me, especially by my husband, it caused an immediate attitude adjustment. I realized that I had been relying on the goodness of my family and friends without showing them the same. I could take it, but could I dish it out?

With God's help I got my head on straight and got grateful for every kindness done to me. I started to notice more and more how good I have it at home and at work. Things are not perfect, but I can't deny it any more -- God is good all the time.

I gave it away.

As I grow and learn in recovery, there are a few things I have fine tuned about my understanding of how we work toward realizing the gifts of recovery: serenity, wisdom, divine intuition, freedom, peace, joy.

What I learned in AA: You can’t give away what you don’t have.

What I have come to believe through CR: If you don’t give it away, you can’t have it.

A dear friend of mine came through for me at just the right time last week as I was spinning in a funk of impatience and insecurity.  She thinks I did her a favor because she called me and I answered. She asked me to accompany her on an appointment and I did. Because she is a gracious person in recovery she has thanked me for the ride, for my attention, for my friendship. But I know that I got the better end of the deal.

By moving through the unanswered questions I had about what the day would hold and my fears about not being prepared, I moved out of my comfort zone and into a place where God could work. I suppose that if I had felt competent, I wouldn’t have relied on Him the way I did. I wouldn’t have checked in with Him every step along the way. I wouldn’t have been praying for His will to be done, for His words to come through my mouth and His ideas to inspire me. God answered my willingness to help with His patience, His grace, His wisdom. It flowed through me to my friend, through my friend to me and all around us.

If I didn’t show up to give away whatever gifts God has given me, I wouldn’t have been able to manifest them in such a tangible way that day. Although I felt small, our Big God was there to take up where my best ideas left off.

I wonder how many times I’ve wiggled out of the opportunity to be of service to someone and unknowingly wiggled my way out of the blessings God had in store for me. Because our God has endless resources, I know He found another way for the person to get help when I declined, but did I miss out on a miracle?

Dear God,

Thank you for being our Big, Loving God. Thank you for the friendships I’ve formed in recovery – they are some of the best relationships I have and I realize they are a gift from You.

When I have the opportunity to help someone or be of service in some way, please put “yes” in my heart and on my lips. Please help me put aside any feelings I have that keep me from giving away that which You have freely given me. Help me to forget my weaknesses and fear long enough to receive Your empowering Spirit of wisdom, love and patience.

Thank You for those who read this prayer. Please bless them and those around them in such a way that they know You are at work.

We love You and thank You for answering our prayers and being our Best Friend.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

one day with my dad

I never deserved the one chance I got. I certainly don't deserve a second one.

sin = death

I am a sinner. I deserve death. Instead I have been living a very blessed life. I could write a gratitude list a mile long, but that's a little off my point.

grace = life

My life is founded on God's grace and His supergenerous biggerthangigantic love. Today is one example: I got a second chance to find joy in my father's company. After so many years and rivers of water under the bridge, I got to appreciate my dad for the interesting, intelligent and thoughtful person he is.

We spent most of the day together and I thoroughly enjoyed it. For the first time in a long time, it was just him and me. Because I realized early in the day what a privilege it was to drive out to see him my whole approach to the day was different than usual. I took my time. I was in no rush. There were no appointments or commitments to attend to. I was there because I wanted to be.

I took cues from my dad and allowed myself to go at his pace... Thanks to advice from a wise NY Times writer who also writes for the blog: The New Old Age. I was prepared to have one of my best days ever with my dad. When my sense of pointless urgency fell away, so did my anxiety about traffic and arrival/departure times and parking rates and lowsaltlowcholesterollowfat diets and cardiac patient med mixes and... and...

I made good use of my time today -- cleaning to my heart's content, organizing a cabinet, listening to stories about old family friends and new neighbors, checking out the backyard I grew up in, and reintroducing my dad to the wonderful world of mandatory recycling. I enjoyed the quiet of a house full of memories -- many bittersweet, now that my mother has been gone for nearly 15 years. Mostly it was nice just being around my dad without all the hangups I usually bring along for the occasion.

Near the tail end of our one excursion today, we even took a precious moment to enjoy the beauty of a water fountain and feel the warmth of the sun on our upturned faces. It must have been divine inspiration that reminded me to take a picture of my dad posing -- very nonchalantly -- for the camera. He was handsome there in his tweed and soft stillveryblack halo of hair.

I fell in love with my dad again for all the same reasons I had as a little girl. My father was kind and caring today. He was thoughtful and charming today. He made me feel special when he called me "daughter" and "dear". He made me feel like the most blessed kid in the world. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, especially to You, Divine Dad.

Praise the Lord: my father's favorite psalms

 to worship You i live by israel & new breed

Psalm 103

Of David. ¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
 ⁶ The LORD works righteousness
   and justice for all the oppressed.
 ⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
   his deeds to the people of Israel:
⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.
¹⁵ The life of mortals is like grass,
   they flourish like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone,
   and its place remembers it no more.
¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—
¹⁸ with those who keep his covenant
   and remember to obey his precepts.
 ¹⁹ The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
   and his kingdom rules over all.
 ²⁰ Praise the LORD, you his angels,
   you mighty ones who do his bidding,
   who obey his word.
²¹ Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
   you his servants who do his will.
²² Praise the LORD, all his works
   everywhere in his dominion.
   Praise the LORD, my soul.

Psalm 27

Of David. ¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?
 ² When the wicked advance against me
   to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
   who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
   my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
   even then I will be confident.
 ⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
   this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
   all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
   and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
   he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
   and set me high upon a rock.
 ⁶ Then my head will be exalted
   above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
   I will sing and make music to the LORD.
 ⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
   be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
   Your face, LORD, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
   do not turn your servant away in anger;
   you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
   God my Savior.
¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
   the LORD will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;
   lead me in a straight path
   because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
   for false witnesses rise up against me,
   spouting malicious accusations.
 ¹³ I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.
 ⁴ Blessed is the one
   who trusts in the LORD,
who does not look to the proud,
   to those who turn aside to false gods.
⁵ Many, LORD my God,
   are the wonders you have done,
   the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
   were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
   they would be too many to declare.
 ⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
   but my ears you have opened—
   burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
   it is written about me in the scroll.
⁸ I desire to do your will, my God;
   your law is within my heart.”
 ⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
   I do not seal my lips, LORD,
   as you know.
¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
   I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
   from the great assembly.
 ¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
   may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
   my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
   and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, LORD;
   come quickly, LORD, to help me.
 ¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek you
   rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!”
 ¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
   may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
   you are my God, do not delay.

_______________________________________
Well, my father has come out of the angiogram successfully and I am encouraged. God is showing up tonight in this hospital. It has been so comforting to read the passages that touch my father. This is just another gift of sobriety, of recovery, from Our Dear Father.

Here Today

here today by paul mccartney

As we recover we will be called to show our support and concern for another human being. This can be shocking for someone like me who for years was not invited to weddings or notified about funerals. I missed births and birthdays without knowing what I was missing or caring. 

Since I’ve been in recovery I’ve noticed a definite shift. I have attended funerals to support friends and family members although I didn’t know the deceased. I’ve visited patients in the hospital whose homes I never visited. More than once, I’ve been the emergency contact for someone I’m not related to and more than once someone has used their one phone call to call me.

Attending funerals and making hospital visits is just as difficult for me as for anyone. Like many, I don’t know what to say when someone has lost a loved one. I fumble for a panacea when tragedy strikes. Without knowing how to help, in fact, being sure I can’t help, I show up anyway.

These changes just occurred to me today while visiting my father in the emergency room following his third heart attack. He asked for me. My father is one of those who had little to do with me when I was still drinking. And now, he asked for me. He honored me by asking me to take him to the hospital when he was unable to do so on his own steam. For whatever reason, he knew I would come when he needed me. That wasn’t always true. Today, by the grace of God, I got dressed and found myself in the position to assist him with getting the care he needed.

I have felt overwhelmed and scared all day because according to his doctors, my father is not doing well at all. But because of the peace that passes understanding I have a blessed hope. In these difficult moments, I find God’s promises particularly precious. And I thank God that today, with His power, I can show up for another human being, even my dear father.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Today God has helped me realize some things I have been struggling with lately.

Struggle One: I don't like how my life has changed lately.
Realization One: God doesn't change.

My relationship with God is unlike any other. I can depend on Him like no other. He is the only constant in an ever changing world.

This morning there was a song running in my head I couldn't stop: Landslide by Stevie Nicks. The particular verse that was on loop was:

well, i've been afraid of changin'
'cause i've built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
even children get older
and i'm getting older too

On Saturdays, more than any other day of the week, I try to keep my mind focused on God.  To celebrate the Sabbath I work harder than usual to drown out mundane worries with spiritual ideas. Obviously, this song is not one being sung to God. So, after I failed in changing over to a gospel song or hymn numerous times, I decided to look at the Landslide song closer so I could come to terms with why it's running non stop in my head.

Clearly the writer isn't talking about being afraid of changes because her life was built around God. One who was inspired by an understanding of our steadfast God wrote: Great is Thy Faithfulness.

great is Thy faithfulness by selah

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God, my Father,
there is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not,
as Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

As a kid I didn't understand what "there is no shadow of turning with Thee" meant. Of course, way back then I didn't understand what "I've built my life around you: meant either. At age 44, I have experienced enough to understand the difference.

Building my life around God, or better yet, on a relationship with God is a safer proposition than depending on nothing to change in human relationships. Human relationships are characterized by change. One way to define God would be to identify the One Who does not change.

If I am building my life around God, why am I so... here's the second struggle.

Struggle Two: I am scared.
Realization Two: I am choosing to be scared.

Something scary happened to me last month. I was laid off from work - again. The director stated that I hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, she said that I made a good contribution and she was sure I would do so again in my next position. But being unemployed scares me. I knew that before today: I get scared because of the uncertainty about when I will get back to work. I become insecure about finances. I grow worried about finding the proper direction for my daily activities. I realized just today that I am also scared because try as I might -- I didn't have control over whether or not I stayed employed. Going to work everyday didn't ensure I would keep my job. Working hard, getting results didn't keep me employed. Making progress on long term goals of the organization didn't do the trick. I was let go despite all these things. That was scary.

So, thank You, God. Today I was reminded that I am not in control. My best efforts may have little to do with the results I get -- I should make my best effort anyway. Most importantly -- if I continue to build my life around God, I don't have to be afraid of ch-ch-ch-changes.

Back to Basics: Life on Life's Terms

No doubt: This has been one of the best weeks ever. In my emotional and physical overwhelm, on Monday (!) my memory stumbled over the seventh step prayer or my version of it:

Dear God,
I'm sorry for every stupid thing I've done and been.
Please fix me so I can help someone else today and get me off my mind.
I'm desperate for You.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Here's the original version from page 76 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

My Creator,
I am now willing that you should have all of me,
good and bad.
I pray that you now remove from me
every single defect of character which stands in the way
of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here,
to do your bidding.
Amen

(Now you can see just how poor my memory is.) Praise God! He answers prayers even when I forget how to pray them.

Immediately things started to change around me as my perspective changed. I began to find something beautiful everywhere I looked. I was swimming in gratitude about little things I usually take for granted. I was nicer to my husband and daughter and coworkers. I became fearlessly engaged with our interns and my clients. I forgot about how difficult it is these days for me to speak without preparing what I'm going to say.

I didn't pay much attention to my pain -- it came and went as it pleased and so did I. I walked happily. I even laughed out loud when my husband sent me down the same warehouse-long aisle three times to get an item at Costco after a long day at work. I was more relaxed. I enjoyed tasks that usually feel like a pain in the... butt. I made more calls to friends and answered more times when someone called me.

When someone asked me to do something I found myself happy to help. When someone ticked me off, I was actually looking for ways to show the person I appreciate them instead of trying to find ways to tell them how angry I am without ruining the relationship.

I thoroughly enjoyed time I spent in fellowship with other alcoholics -- some in recovery and some still in their disease. I connected better with more people this week and felt consciously connected to my Precious Higher Power.

I did laundry twice on two separate occasions and didn't get a resentment.

I worked every minute of every hour I was supposed to and made the most of them without second guessing myself.

In my personal life: I followed up. I was early a few times and late a few times and I handled both situations with ease -- more or less.

I saw a narrow glimpse of how God sees me.

I went to a 12 step meeting I haven't attended for 11 years. I laughed, I mourned, I gave several of those "what's up?" looks to people I didn't even know, with a smile. They gave me one back too. I shared in a general way what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. I shared my experience (scandalous and sad), strength (God, God and more God), and hope (He loves me. He loves you. No matter what.).

I also forgot an important appointment with a friend, failed to show up when I said I would, and made a call I probably shouldn't have to someone I used to know. I apologized, I repented, and I was honest with God and another human being about the exact nature of my wrongs.

And I witnessed two miracles this week.

It's amazing what happens when I ask God to set my agenda and power my program. I get to show up for others and be really present for my life and what's going on around me. I'm finally out of my own head and on the road to recovery.

peace&love