This very early morning I am full of praise for God's kindness in answering our prayers. I brought my husband home from the hospital yesterday three days after surgery. I will shy away from discussing the details of his medical condition and focus on my experience, strength and hope through the ordeal.
Denial came first for me. When Greg told me he was scheduled for surgery, it was a few weeks in advance, so I had plenty of time to pretend it wasn't going to happen. I wishfully thought that maybe something miraculous would happen so he wouldn't need the surgery and we could just keep living the way we had been -- obsessed with the details of mundane daily living.
No miracle came in time to disrupt the surgery schedule so I made arrangements to do my part in supporting Greg through this procedure. Everywhere I turned -- work, friends, family -- I encountered support and the promise of prayers on Greg's behalf. (Thanks Dad, LaRonda, Troy and Jan for visiting Greg in the hospital. It means more than you can possibly know.)
Throughout the night before surgery and the morning of terror set in. But because I've been carrying around the advice of my good friend and Pastor Jan Kaatz, I knew what to do: praise God. In a sermon some months or years ago, Jan advised the listeners to praise God when we are scared, when things go wrong and when we are feeling out of control. I've been practicing praising God during difficulties ever since. I've got to admit that praise when I'm terrified is a lot different than praising God in church with all the lights on. It's not like whistling through a graveyard because my God and Savior, my Creator and King, my Best Friend is listening and He cares. I think praising God through trials is a lot more like finding a safe place to wait during an earthquake. While the earth is shaking you don't know what damage will be done, but you hold on tight to a table or door frame with the faith that you've chosen the best option in a situation that's far beyond your control.
While my brain was working below capacity through stress and exhaustion I relied on two time-tested methods for praising the Lord. Gratitude and singing. Gratitude is an important principle in AA and CR. We list what we're grateful for daily to break up depression and useless obsession. In this case, I found that most all my prayers consisted of talking to God about all that I was grateful for throughout the process of getting ready for the trek to the hospital, making sure Jaela was taken care of (thank you, Shae), getting to the VA nearly on time, checking in, waiting, then saying goodbye with a short kiss before they wheeled him away into the unknown.
The practice of talking to God about all the things I noticed that I was sure He placed in our lives for our good was somehow calming and, I think, a good use of my time. That is not to say that while I was walking around and waiting around for the surgery to be over I didn't ask myself some truly hair-raising questions like: What if he doesn't make it through the surgery? What if I never see him again? What if Jaela grows up without her dear father? Rather than focusing on the nightmares those questions conjured, I switched off obsession and switched on gratitude. Every once in a while I would bother my Heavenly Father with yet another request for His blessing on Greg and those responsible for his care.
OK, time to talk about singing. I'm not saying I was walking around the busy halls of the VA singing praises to God at the top of my voice -- but I was surely doing it in my head. Again, this type of singing is very different from the singing I do in church with the lights on. I couldn't remember the lyrics of my favorite praise and worship songs -- I couldn't even remember which songs they were. I did remember a song from my childhood though. It's one we sang by rote every Sabbath -- and I admit that the routine didn't serve to bring home the meaning of the song for me. Somewhere along the way though, the Holy Spirit brought this song to life for me -- another thing to be grateful for. God ministering to us through our trials in His own special and loving way.
The song: Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow. Listen here: The Doxology like they did it back in the day.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.Amen
Dear God,
Thank You for a heart that praises You when things are uncertain and scary. Thank You for keeping Your promises to our family and for taking such divinely good care of us. Thank You for keeping our family from harm and danger and for giving us to each other. Thank You for listening and for being our God. We love You and praise You always.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
