Experience, Strength, and Hope

In case you haven't been coming to our Friday night meetings, I'll report the latest -- we are working the steps together! We are just finishing up Step One, so if you'd like to join us -- as always -- you are more than welcome. We love newcomers.

While talking to God about our group, I was inspired that we would be able to experience deeper recovery and more spiritual growth by working the steps. It's been a challenge with Jan away temporarily; however, Jesus shows up at every meeting. I expect miracles to happen every Friday and I haven't once been disappointed.

As you may know, we alternate between a teaching and a testimony every Friday night. Last week we had a teaching, so this week we are due for a testimony. I'm writing about this because this Friday night, I will be sharing my experience, strength, and hope in my testimony and after 14 years of sobriety, I'm nervous.

I'm praying that God will tell me what to say that will be meaningful and reflect His saving grace and amazing love. Because the Holy Spirit is making my heart ready, I'm willing to disclose whatever He wants. I'm an open book. Let's be clear: there are some tales I'd prefer not to tell, but with God's help I'll tell those if He wants.

We have a saying in CR: God never wastes a hurt. If my pain and the pain I've caused others through my carelessness and selfishness can help someone see that there is hope, there is a solution, God is real and He loves people like us; well, then it's worth the telling.

Thank you for letting me share.

I am one of the lucky ones.

We humans seem to be in love with the idea of luck. If something good happens, we are lucky. If something bad, we are unlucky. We carry good luck pieces and shy away from walking under ladders and breaking mirrors.

Truth be told, I don't believe in luck. But, if I did, I could say that I am one of the lucky ones. "How so?" you ask. Well, let me tell you.

Because I was a slave to my "addictive personality" and plagued by various and sundry emotional ailments, I found alcohol and drugs, and made a career out of being under the influence.

Because I was a practicing alcoholic and addict, God mercifully brought me to the rooms of recovery.

Because God brought me to the rooms of recovery, I stayed.

Because I stayed, I worked the 12 steps.

Because I worked the 12 steps, I learned how to live.

You see now, don't you? Without the steps and working my recovery program, I wouldn't know how to live. My life still wouldn't work and I would still be broken.

Because of God's love and Jesus' bloody death, I get to have a life way beyond my wildest drunken dreams.

These thoughts occured to me yesterday when I was listening to a couple of professional therapists who happen to be Christians talking to other Christians about the philosophies they had uncovered in scripture. The were discussing how to revive relationships through apologizing and offering to make restitution. The host of the radio show, a Christian, was so impressed by the approach suggested -- he admitted he had never been instructed about how to apologize and how to make wrongs right in relationships God's way.

I recognized the approach right away as the eighth and ninth steps of Celebrate Recovery:

Step 8: I made a list of all persons I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31 NIV)

Step 9: I made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matt 5:23-24 NIV)

Thank You, God, for the blessings of Your mercy and Your word. Thank You for changing the course of my life from grave-bound to eternal life, starting now.

It's not me

This morning I did my gratitude list a little differently.

I used to close bars, now I close the church after our Friday night meetings.
I used to go wherever the party was, now I am willing to go wherever I can be of service.
I used to find excuses to miss work, now I find ways to show up even when I'm sick.
I used to hide from my responsibilities, today I face them with God's help.
I used to pretend I was better than I really am, now I freely admit that all glory and honor belong to God.

I'm grateful that God's work in me has been paying off beyond my wildest drunken fantasies. Thank You, Jesus.

P R A I S E (What to do with your head while the world is shaking)

This very early morning I am full of praise for God's kindness in answering our prayers. I brought my husband home from the hospital yesterday three days after surgery. I will shy away from discussing the details of his medical condition and focus on my experience, strength and hope through the ordeal.

Denial came first for me. When Greg told me he was scheduled for surgery, it was a few weeks in advance, so I had plenty of time to pretend it wasn't going to happen. I wishfully thought that maybe something miraculous would happen so he wouldn't need the surgery and we could just keep living the way we had been -- obsessed with the details of mundane daily living.

No miracle came in time to disrupt the surgery schedule so I made arrangements to do my part in supporting Greg through this procedure. Everywhere I turned -- work, friends, family -- I encountered support and the promise of prayers on Greg's behalf. (Thanks Dad, LaRonda, Troy and Jan for visiting Greg in the hospital. It means more than you can possibly know.)

Throughout the night before surgery and the morning of terror set in. But because I've been carrying around the advice of my good friend and Pastor Jan Kaatz, I knew what to do: praise God. In a sermon some months or years ago, Jan advised the listeners to praise God when we are scared, when things go wrong and when we are feeling out of control. I've been practicing praising God during difficulties ever since. I've got to admit that praise when I'm terrified is a lot different than praising God in church with all the lights on. It's not like whistling through a graveyard because my God and Savior, my Creator and King, my Best Friend is listening and He cares. I think praising God through trials is a lot more like finding a safe place to wait during an earthquake. While the earth is shaking you don't know what damage will be done, but you hold on tight to a table or door frame with the faith that you've chosen the best option in a situation that's far beyond your control.

While my brain was working below capacity through stress and exhaustion I relied on two time-tested methods for praising the Lord. Gratitude and singing. Gratitude is an important principle in AA and CR. We list what we're grateful for daily to break up depression and useless obsession. In this case, I found that most all my prayers consisted of talking to God about all that I was grateful for throughout the process of getting ready for the trek to the hospital, making sure Jaela was taken care of (thank you, Shae), getting to the VA nearly on time, checking in, waiting, then saying goodbye with a short kiss before they wheeled him away into the unknown.

The practice of talking to God about all the things I noticed that I was sure He placed in our lives for our good was somehow calming and, I think, a good use of my time. That is not to say that while I was walking around and waiting around for the surgery to be over I didn't ask myself some truly hair-raising questions like: What if he doesn't make it through the surgery? What if I never see him again? What if Jaela grows up without her dear father? Rather than focusing on the nightmares those questions conjured, I switched off obsession and switched on gratitude. Every once in a while I would bother my Heavenly Father with yet another request for His blessing on Greg and those responsible for his care.

OK, time to talk about singing. I'm not saying I was walking around the busy halls of the VA singing praises to God at the top of my voice -- but I was surely doing it in my head. Again, this type of singing is very different from the singing I do in church with the lights on. I couldn't remember the lyrics of my favorite praise and worship songs -- I couldn't even remember which songs they were. I did remember a song from my childhood though. It's one we sang by rote every Sabbath -- and I admit that the routine didn't serve to bring home the meaning of the song for me. Somewhere along the way though, the Holy Spirit brought this song to life for me -- another thing to be grateful for. God ministering to us through our trials in His own special and loving way.

The song: Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow. Listen here: The Doxology like they did it back in the day.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.Amen

Dear God,
Thank You for a heart that praises You when things are uncertain and scary. Thank You for keeping Your promises to our family and for taking such divinely good care of us. Thank You for keeping our family from harm and danger and for giving us to each other. Thank You for listening and for being our God. We love You and praise You always.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Dish It Out

At the end of a pity party that had gone on for a few days, I realized that I could take it, but I was having trouble dishing it out. Once I realized that -- everything changed.

Yes, not the other way around: I had been taking it pretty well without dishing it out for the duration of my pity party. What is it? It is understanding, patience, compassion, kindness. Did I already say understanding? While I indulged my tendency to focus on how the world is treating me and the unfairness of it all, I was also depending on the understanding, patience, compassion and kindness of those around me.

Once I realized that I had been ungrateful for the love that had been shown to me, especially by my husband, it caused an immediate attitude adjustment. I realized that I had been relying on the goodness of my family and friends without showing them the same. I could take it, but could I dish it out?

With God's help I got my head on straight and got grateful for every kindness done to me. I started to notice more and more how good I have it at home and at work. Things are not perfect, but I can't deny it any more -- God is good all the time.

I gave it away.

As I grow and learn in recovery, there are a few things I have fine tuned about my understanding of how we work toward realizing the gifts of recovery: serenity, wisdom, divine intuition, freedom, peace, joy.

What I learned in AA: You can’t give away what you don’t have.

What I have come to believe through CR: If you don’t give it away, you can’t have it.

A dear friend of mine came through for me at just the right time last week as I was spinning in a funk of impatience and insecurity.  She thinks I did her a favor because she called me and I answered. She asked me to accompany her on an appointment and I did. Because she is a gracious person in recovery she has thanked me for the ride, for my attention, for my friendship. But I know that I got the better end of the deal.

By moving through the unanswered questions I had about what the day would hold and my fears about not being prepared, I moved out of my comfort zone and into a place where God could work. I suppose that if I had felt competent, I wouldn’t have relied on Him the way I did. I wouldn’t have checked in with Him every step along the way. I wouldn’t have been praying for His will to be done, for His words to come through my mouth and His ideas to inspire me. God answered my willingness to help with His patience, His grace, His wisdom. It flowed through me to my friend, through my friend to me and all around us.

If I didn’t show up to give away whatever gifts God has given me, I wouldn’t have been able to manifest them in such a tangible way that day. Although I felt small, our Big God was there to take up where my best ideas left off.

I wonder how many times I’ve wiggled out of the opportunity to be of service to someone and unknowingly wiggled my way out of the blessings God had in store for me. Because our God has endless resources, I know He found another way for the person to get help when I declined, but did I miss out on a miracle?

Dear God,

Thank you for being our Big, Loving God. Thank you for the friendships I’ve formed in recovery – they are some of the best relationships I have and I realize they are a gift from You.

When I have the opportunity to help someone or be of service in some way, please put “yes” in my heart and on my lips. Please help me put aside any feelings I have that keep me from giving away that which You have freely given me. Help me to forget my weaknesses and fear long enough to receive Your empowering Spirit of wisdom, love and patience.

Thank You for those who read this prayer. Please bless them and those around them in such a way that they know You are at work.

We love You and thank You for answering our prayers and being our Best Friend.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

one day with my dad

I never deserved the one chance I got. I certainly don't deserve a second one.

sin = death

I am a sinner. I deserve death. Instead I have been living a very blessed life. I could write a gratitude list a mile long, but that's a little off my point.

grace = life

My life is founded on God's grace and His supergenerous biggerthangigantic love. Today is one example: I got a second chance to find joy in my father's company. After so many years and rivers of water under the bridge, I got to appreciate my dad for the interesting, intelligent and thoughtful person he is.

We spent most of the day together and I thoroughly enjoyed it. For the first time in a long time, it was just him and me. Because I realized early in the day what a privilege it was to drive out to see him my whole approach to the day was different than usual. I took my time. I was in no rush. There were no appointments or commitments to attend to. I was there because I wanted to be.

I took cues from my dad and allowed myself to go at his pace... Thanks to advice from a wise NY Times writer who also writes for the blog: The New Old Age. I was prepared to have one of my best days ever with my dad. When my sense of pointless urgency fell away, so did my anxiety about traffic and arrival/departure times and parking rates and lowsaltlowcholesterollowfat diets and cardiac patient med mixes and... and...

I made good use of my time today -- cleaning to my heart's content, organizing a cabinet, listening to stories about old family friends and new neighbors, checking out the backyard I grew up in, and reintroducing my dad to the wonderful world of mandatory recycling. I enjoyed the quiet of a house full of memories -- many bittersweet, now that my mother has been gone for nearly 15 years. Mostly it was nice just being around my dad without all the hangups I usually bring along for the occasion.

Near the tail end of our one excursion today, we even took a precious moment to enjoy the beauty of a water fountain and feel the warmth of the sun on our upturned faces. It must have been divine inspiration that reminded me to take a picture of my dad posing -- very nonchalantly -- for the camera. He was handsome there in his tweed and soft stillveryblack halo of hair.

I fell in love with my dad again for all the same reasons I had as a little girl. My father was kind and caring today. He was thoughtful and charming today. He made me feel special when he called me "daughter" and "dear". He made me feel like the most blessed kid in the world. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, especially to You, Divine Dad.